The process of readying oneself for a great relationship is an art in itself. I learned this twenty years ago when I attracted my first soulmate, the man who became my husband for twenty years. So I thought it would be a snap to ease right into this time, now that I am almost divorced and forging my new life. I was ready for the great love of my life?my second soulmate. But I was wrong. I?ve had to go through the discovery process about my own individual readiness all over again. It is quicker this time, at fifty I have much experience and wisdom to apply to this journey, so while it took me about four years to travel through my own dark night of the soul in my twenties, and come out the other side ready for union with my higher power and another, this time it seems like two years will be necessary. This was not what I had in mind a year ago when I became clear about ending my marriage. I thought I could just swap, one partner for another?one lifestyle for another and skip all of that messing grieving and re-evaluation, life transformation stuff in the middle. But I was wrong again.
However now that I see the light, (and the error of my ways) it is bright and exciting. I call the unknown my close friend now. This helps a lot because I don?t think we can allow a transformative process to really move through us if we are clinging to the known factors in our life. The universe needs a wide berth and a sense of our trust if it is to deliver remarkable results. When friends ask me how I?m doing lately, I say, ?I?m finally feeling content to build my individual fire!?. This is a joyful declaration?I was sad and lonely for many months this past spring and summer. I was grieving several losses all at once; a twenty-year marriage, the ending of a subsequent relationship that I had erroneously felt and hoped would be ?it?, the death of my father in June and the overall change in life for my two sons and me (they moved to new schools and I was about to commence graduate school full-time). I hadn?t ever felt this kind of loneliness?it was an ache so profound and primal, I can only describe it as possibly similar to what earlier humans may have felt when they had been cast out of their tribe and forced to survive the elements alone. But I had decided to spend six months free of the distracting influence of romance in order to discover what I felt and who I was becoming. This was a deep dark night of the soul transformation, which unfortunately, we never seem to be fully aware of when it is occurring. Yet as always seems to happen with the dark night, it brought me to my knees into what finally became a true unqualified surrender; surrender of the faulty operating systems that were not going to get me what I wanted?something deeply fulfilling and meaningful in life and love.
The surrender didn?t happen right away. As have always I fought it. Willful Aries that I am, I thought I knew best about how to conduct my life. But this time there was no messing around with will, the losses were piling up, and by the time my father died suddenly there was nowhere to go but to the ground, on my knees. Which was the most powerful place I could have found. On the ground on our knees is where it all happens with God and the universe?that is where we become open to receiving the great gifts of wisdom, guidance and inspired insight. Nowhere else are we as powerfully aligned with our maker as that exact humble moment?on the ground, on our knees. That is where the universe likes to have us?wide open and vulnerable to using it?s help. Open to letting it do the grunt work in our lives, the heavy lifting?so we can just listen to its operating instructions for the fancy footwork it will show us, if we let it.
Only when I became desperate enough to finally listen to higher wisdom, my true source, could I really hear the message, ?it?s time to be alone now, this is a big opportunity to lay down a whole new foundation for your great life to come?don?t miss it!?. I would like to tell you that I felt a strong instant resolve to be alone and build my individual fire. But that would be lying; it was weak. And I had to listen over and over again (to the voice recordings) to the wise words of two different guides who spoke to this direction. All the while I was taking steps in my life to build my new future, yet nothing felt quite right. I had been accepted to an MSW (master of social work) program and was planning to attend school full time September of 2012. Yet I wasn?t certain about it, it didn?t feel 100% like the thing I should be doing. However, I knew that I wanted career advancement and the possibility of a job in two years. This program worked from a logistical standpoint I would be done in two years, and honestly I saw no other options. So with much anxiety about returning to school after thirty years: with two boys, being a solo parent, and running a business along with some fear of writing research papers and driving three to school hours twice a week, and still knee deep in grief and loss, I committed. Who could have predicted it would all turn around just as soon as the semester began?but it did!
I can remember driving home from my first school orientation at the end of August and feeling for the first time in a year that I was once again on a meaningful path and that graduate school would be healing for me. I think meaning and purpose are healing for us because they give us a sense of hope. Hope is what allows us to defer instant gratification in the pursuit of our dreams. When we have no hope we want to feel better NOW. And sometimes those choices do not build much for our future of sustainable happiness. But once we are inspired for something that is has meaning for us we can do almost anything. This is how I began to find contentment in building my individual fire. But it took two more months for it to really catch. I share this because I think it is important for us to realize that transformation is not usually instantaneous. We get some clarity about a direction to go in and then we feed it, and it gradually starts to feed us and we create a cycle of reciprocity between our self and our new path.
Two months into it, my individual fire is getting strong. I am content to be alone for another six months or longer. I am cultivating my soul by doing several things. I am fine-tuning the daily details of how I operate in the world in regard to time management, boundaries with my family, daily rhythm and routines. I am also listening closely to the cues about my future direction and how to enhance the work I do with people. And lastly I am listening closely to what I am learning about the kind of partner that will fit with the me who I am becoming. A variety of lovely men have ventured in my direction this past year. I only got involved with one of them, but each had their merits. They are nice guys, also kind, handsome, charming, manly, smart and interesting. But all of them had something in common?they wanted me to do the work of initiating and pursuing. For whatever reasons each of these men did not want to take the risk?they were ambivalent; nor did they know how to really connect and be met by a partner. They did not want love, they wanted to some approval and assurance and to explore. I was attracting them to my energy because I was not ready to fully be the new me yet?the me that will be ready to connect and meet with an able and ready partner. I am clear that the quality of relationship I desire will include a greater sense of maturity and harmony than I have previously known. Building my individual fire is how I ready myself to do that. We always attract to us someone who possesses approximately the same level of readiness and emotional health. You just can?t get around that. It?s the law of the universe. I left my marriage and immediately fell for a man who I was ?crazy about?, but neither of us were in that place of true readiness. I had attracted someone whose capacity for a great relationship was just a bit beyond what I had found in my marriage, but not much. I?d had no time to rearrange my being in between the two relationships. I don?t want to be alone, I want a great man in my life. But I am content to build my individual fire now because I have a lot of hope that I am creating the platform for a great relationship and a meaningful new life with each log I throw into my fire. The logs take the form of many things; the meaningful work I do at my internship with middle school age children and my coaching work with clients, the ways I can connect and nurture my two sons, discovering efficacy in my re-entry to academia?working hard at getting good grades, practicing simplicity and self care amidst a big endeavor and being willing to humbly admit when I mess up so I can start over again.
This is enough?this is all I need in my life right now. It feels vital purposeful and alive?fulfilling. I feel fulfilled. Three months ago, still in the throws of the dark night of the soul, I could not imagine this would be possible. But it is and I am deeply grateful for it. I don?t know where my path is taking, me. I have been told I am not supposed to know right now and I actually trust that. All I do know is that I am currently on the right path for me right now and that is enough. I didn?t used to like to live this way. I am a planner. I like to know what I am shooting for and how it is going to unfold. We all do. Yet now the unknown has actually become kind of thrilling to me, if I can feel this much ?rightness? today, why not see where it leads? I just need to be able to peer into the tunnel of my future, ? as far as the light can see?. No further needed today. This brings a tremendous sense of liberation. I can actually trust life and the universe. A path with meaning and purpose can offer this to us?it?s gift is comfort. Meaning and purpose is how we build our individual fire. One of my favorite movies is Field of Dreams, where a mysterious voice tells the main character, Ray Kinsella, a young farmer who is in financial trouble, to plow under his corn field and build a baseball diamond there. The voice is like the chant of the universe, ?If you build it they will come?. Ray does as he is told and a myriad of healing miracles occur that no one could have predicted?hi life path is revealed through this process. So will yours. Begin it now?build your individual fire!
? 2012 Margo Davis-Hollander, is an unpublished work protected by copyright law in the United States. It cannot be reproduced, copied, lent to other people without the written consent of Margo Davis-Hollander.
Source: http://soulmateattraction.net/2012/10/building-my-individual-fire/
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